Dr Bashir and the Case of the Missing Chuckle
by thyme2read
Summary: A humorous one-shot based on Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges. : )


**This story is a parody/blending of Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges and the ambulance scene from a _Seinfeld_ episode called "The Heart Attack." Now I'm really not a _Seinfeld_ fan, but I have to admit that scene was pretty funny, and this whole idea came about because John Fleck (Koval) was in it as one of the ambulance personnel. A clip is available on Youtube titled "Seinfeld The Heart Attack Ambulance Scene." Here we go!**

* * *

Following Sloan's orders, Doctor Bashir made his way through the crowd and approached Chairman Koval. He couldn't think of anything to say without sounding like a dolt, but he supposed it didn't really matter all that much. All he had to do was shake the Chairman's hand, and then he'd have the skin sample.

Of course he really didn't need the sample. He was already about 95% sure that Koval had Tuvan Syndrome. He just told Sloan that he wasn't certain to stall for time. Bashir was convinced that Sloan was planning to assassinate the Chairman, and loathsome creature that he was, the Doctor didn't want to have a hand in his death, however much it might benefit the Federation. Murder was not only against his personal and professional principles; it was against the Hippocratic Oath. Moreover, he was getting awfully tired of this double dealing business, and he could only hope that Cretak would be able to find Sloan's Romulan accomplice before Sloan figured out that he was stalling.

Koval was speaking to one of the conference attendants, but Bashir didn't wait for a pause in the conversation, he just walked up and interrupted it.

"Mr. Chairman? It's a pleasure to see you again," he said holding out his hand with fake enthusiasm.

Koval appeared a bit ruffled by the intrusion, and stared down at the hand for a moment before taking it.

"I'd be happy to resume our discussion of the Quickening at some point before the conference is adjourned," continued the Doctor.

"I believe you answered all my questions," the Chairman replied evenly.

"Well, then. I'm glad I was able to help." Relieved and anxious to be away from the discomforting Romulan, Bashir turned to beat a hasty retreat.

"Doctor?"

Darn it! Bashir stifled his chagrin and turned back.

"I would like to have a word with you on another matter, in private," said Koval, dismissing the attendant with a look. The attendant bowed and walked away.

"Of course. I believe the lecture hall is empty."

"We have other more comfortable facilities available, if you please…" Koval motioned for Bashir to follow him and sailed off down a dark corridor.

Bashir followed him glumly, more concerned about what they were supposed to talk about than where they were going. But after rounding a corner, a set of doors suddenly shut and locked behind him and the doctor knew the jig was up.

The room was dimly lit, and there was a small metal chair in the center of the room. At the far wall there was a desk, and a comfortable office chair. On either side of him were guards and rolling trays upon which there were all sorts of questionable implements. This was an interrogation room.

"Sit down," ordered the chairman. And when the doctor did not immediately comply he added glibly, "I can assure you you're going to be sitting in that chair one way or the other, Doctor."

The doctor reluctantly sat down, and Koval smiled.

"Now we can have our little talk."

"What _shall_ we talk about?" said Bashir, throwing up his hands irritably.

"Where is the red chuckle?"

Bashir blinked. "Excuse me?"

Koval took out a small, yellow box and dumped its contents on the desk in front of him. Bashir saw what appeared to be two gelcaps, a purple one and an orange one. The yellow box said, "Chuckles."

"I had five chuckles," said the Chairman seriously. "I ate the green one and the yellow one, and the red one is missing."

"Let me get this straight. You're interrogating me over a piece of candy?" asked Bashir dubiously. "You don't want to know about Section 31 or why I'm working for Sloan?"

Koval's eyes went wide as he leaned forward and asked, "Sloan is here?" Then he said something to one of the guards, who promptly left the room.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me," muttered the doctor.

"Just answer the question, Doctor," ordered Koval, blinking slowly. "Where is the red chuckle?"

Bashir sat back and crossed his arms. "I haven't seen it. Sorry."

"Sloan has it, doesn't he?"

"I just told you I haven't seen it!"

"Fine. I will not waste my time with pointless questions. I will just take the information directly from the source."

The Chairman nodded to the guards, who retrieved some small flashing devices and attempted to attach them to Bashir's head. The doctor flinched and got backhanded as a result.

Bashir felt most uncomfortable. It felt like static charges were shooting through his head, and in the background he heard Koval's despicable voice.

"This can be painful or not. That's up to you doctor. But either way, I _will_ know what you know…"

* * *

Bashir had no idea how much time had passed, but when the guards finally removed the brain-scanning devices he was exhausted, and Koval was nowhere to be seen.

Then he heard the doors open and close.

"Has he talked?" asked Koval.

"No sir," replied the guard, handing him a PADD.

"Ask him again," said the Chairman, and he sat down at his desk to read the results.

"Where is the red chuckle?" the guard demanded. Bashir wondered how he was able to keep a straight face. The guard struck him. "Where did you hide it?"

"Enough for now," said Koval, tossing the PADD down with a disappointed look on his face. "It appears that your brain's neurocelluar structure is not susceptible to our scanning techniques, evidently a result of the genetic enhancements made to your parietal cortex."

"Sorry," Bashir ground out sarcastically.

"I do have other methods at my disposal." Koval tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I think I'll save some time and interrogate you both at once." He pressed a few buttons on the control panel. "Bring in Prisoner 142."

A few minutes later, Sloan was brought into the room.

"Sit down," said Koval, pointing toward an empty chair that was placed beside the doctor's.

Sloan looked curiously around the room and remained standing.

The Chairman frowned. "I can assure that you're going to be sitting in that chair one way or the other, Mr. Sloan."

Bashir rolled his eyes at the repeated line, while Sloan smirked and sat down.

"Now then, gentlemen," said Koval. "Before we begin, let me remind you that it would save everyone a great deal of trouble if you would simply tell me what I want to know."

"You haven't even asked me any questions," Sloan replied, smiling wryly.

Koval was beginning to lose patience, and it showed. "I think you know what I am interested in."

"Who we're working for and why we're on Romulus?" asked Sloan.

The Chairman slammed clenched fists onto the desk. "No! I know that already!"

Blank stares.

"I want my chuckle back, you hear me?!" shouted Koval.

"Your chuckle?" asked Sloan, still feigning innocence. "Oh! I see what you mean. That shouldn't be too hard. I know _lots_ of great jokes…"

Koval shot Sloan a murderous glare, then signaled for the guards to bust him up.

"Alright, alright! Fine! I'll tell you where it is," protested Sloan, putting up his hands defensively. Then he muttered something to himself about Romulans having no sense of humor.

"Well?"

"I gave it to Cretak."

* * *

A short while later, Senator Cretak was "escorted" into the room.

"What do you think you're doing? Unhand me!"

Koval pointed toward a third empty chair placed beside Bashir's and Sloan's. "Sit down."

But Senator Cretak was not in the mood to comply.

"I can assure you that you're going to be-"

"-Sitting in that chair-" continued Bashir…

"-One way or the other," finished Sloan.

"_Senator_. One way or the other, Senator. You forgot the title," corrected Bashir.

"Oh, sorry," said Sloan. "I only heard it once."

"SILENCE!" Koval slammed the desk again.

"Koval, what is the meaning of this?" asked Cretak calmly.

"Don't play innocent with me, Senator. You know very well what this is about," he replied.

Cretak sighed heavily. "You're right. I should have known better than to try hacking into the Tal Shiar databases."

Koval blinked. "You what? How dare you!"

The senator looked from Bashir, to Sloan, to Koval in confusion. "You mean… that's not what this is about?"

"All this over a chuckle!" said the doctor, shaking his head incredulously.

"What's a chuckle?" asked Cretak.

Sloan answered her. "It's a jelly candy made by the good people of Earth. Evidently the Green Goblin here has a sweet tooth."

Koval finally lost it and backhanded Sloan.

"I dare you to cut me loose and try that again!" spat the Section 31 agent.

Koval only growled.

"Oh, you want a piece of me? Let's go! You and me, Koval!"

In his fury, Koval looked like he was actually considering it.

"What are you doing?" asked Bashir.

"Come on, you big grey coward! Let's see how tough you really are! Put your money where your mouth is!"

The Chairman smiled devilishly. "Fine. Unlock 142's restraints."

"What, you're going to fight?" asked Cretak.

"If I win, you will provide me with the molecular formula for those confections," said Koval.

"And if I win," said Sloan, smiling and rubbing his wrists, "you have to let us go. Agreed?"

Koval nodded. "Agreed, except for Cretak. I've been gunning for a seat on the Continuing Committee and she's my only competitor."

Cretak slumped in her chair dejectedly. "I should have gone to Neral."

"No good deed goes unpunished, eh?" remarked Bashir.

"Good deed?" repeated Koval. "Unauthorized access of Tal Shiar records is treason, doctor."

"I was trying to save your life!" shouted Cretak.

"But why? We are enemies. That is, unless…" Koval frowned. "Is it possible that all these years… you have harbored feelings for me?"

Cretak scoffed. "Don't flatter yourself. I'm just an uncharacteristically decent Romulan, that's all. _Someone_ has to demonstrate to the viewers that we're not all self-serving backstabbers."

"Well, from where I'm standing, you're simply a fool," sneered Koval. "You let a Starfleet Officer manipulate you into committing an act of treason."

"Sorry," said Bashir.

"Don't talk to me." She turned away from the doctor coldly.

Meanwhile, Sloan had been stretching. Rolling up his sleeves, he said, "I've been waiting for this for a very long time. I'm gonna mess you up, man!"

Sloan took up a fighting stance. Koval did the same, and they cautiously began to circle the room.

"I can't believe two grown men are about to fight over a stupid piece of candy!" protested Bashir.

"Oh, it's more than a piece of candy, Doctor," said Sloan. "Those colored pieces of gelatin represent everything the Federation stands for. They're also the only proven treatment for Tuvan Syndrome."

Koval's face twitched.

"That's right Koval! I know all about it! That's why you're so addicted to them!"

"Tuvan Syndrome?" repeated Cretak. "Ewww…"

The guards shook their heads in pity.

Koval gritted his teeth. "For that, I'll see that you serve out your sentences in the darkest dungeons of the Empire!"

The enraged Romulan lunged at Sloan, and the fight began. Much to everyone's surprise, they seemed evenly matched, and for a time no one made any significant progress.

"I don't understand," said Cretak. "How is a midget human like Sloan able to stand up to Koval? We Romulans have more than twice your strength!"

Bashir shrugged. "Well, as we just heard, Koval's not in the best of health. He's also letting Sloan's remarks get to him. And if what Sloan said is true about his being addicted to the chuckles then he's probably going through withdrawal symptoms as well. All that together would make them about even."

Eventually, Koval managed to get Sloan in a chokehold.

"Give it up, human," he hissed through clenched teeth.

Sloan's face began to turn blue.

"Come on, Sloan! Get him! Never say die!" Bashir cheered him on, since Sloan's victory was his only ticket to freedom.

Just when it seemed like it was all over, Sloan gathered his strength and poked his index fingers into Koval's eyes.

"I learned that from my mentor, Fujisaki!" he declared breathlessly, and the fight continued.

* * *

Later, on the Bellerophon…

The ship is heading back to DS9. Bashir and Sloan are sitting in the ship's lounge. There are other customers present, but none within earshot. Bashir is looking over a PADD and has a really bad headache. Sloan is leaning back in his chair, looking out the window and drinking some kind of beverage.

"I told him I was going to mess him up," said Sloan with his signature smile.

"I must be losing my mind," muttered the doctor.

Sloan gave him a friendly pat on the back. "Don't beat yourself up, doc. You're the sanest, most decent person I know. The Federation needs more men like you."

"And just what am I supposed to put into my report?" snapped Bashir irritably. "If I put the truth no one will believe it. I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't witnessed it."

"Whatever you put, I'm going to have to go back and revise it anyway, so just document everything the way you saw it and leave the editing up to Section 31."

"Sloan, once we get back to Deep Space Nine, do me a favor and never speak to me again."

THE END


End file.
